A year of trees

“We are mosaics—pieces of light, love, history, stars—glued together with magic and music and words.” 

Anita Krizzan

2015 was a mosaic.

A gorgeous working of so many people and places and experiences. A fluid, unstoppable rush of adventure, growth, change, and love. A painful and uncertain year. Filled with heartache and set backs and success and progress and misery and joy. A defining year.

A year of trees.

 

My heart was set in January—I thought I knew what the coming year would look like. I envisioned Bolt and I reaching the ultimate goal of world team, national finals, and more. And that almost happened, seriously, we were close—to both team and a nationals final run (a couple of them). But they were yanked away. I got in my own way. I did that a lot this year—get in the way. I’ve been open about bigger goals and dreams that I’d like to achieve. Mostly because I think giving them a voice is one of the best ways to breathe life into them. I’ve also been open about the internal struggle that’s come with it. If nothing else, 2015 taught me more about myself than maybe I had wanted to learn going in to it. That’s okay though. I’ve learned that I’m a lot tougher than I like to give myself credit for.

I’m braver than I thought, too.

Because bravery isn’t always going into a battle with guns raised high. Sometimes it’s a quiet acceptance of failure and then the firming of your lips and the refusal to give up. Sometimes it’s admitting you made a mistake and fixing it. Sometimes it’s forgiving yourself for those mistakes. Sometimes it’s speaking openly when the result may bring you or someone else pain. Other times it’s changing a job, moving unexpectedly, and living in uncertainty without fear.

I’ve made a list for 2016– it’s something I do every year. As much as resolutions seem to be a cliché, I like to make them. Because, in all honesty, it’s how I’ve been able to change gradually over the years more into the kind of person I want to be. Imperfect, yes, but better. It is a list of superficial and reaching goals. Of internal ones, too. (A mosaic maybe?) Yes, world team is on that list. It has been and will remain there. Fitness goals are there, including doing 10 real push ups (I know, but I can’t do a single one still—I know). I want to run 100 miles throughout the year (more, hopefully). I want to climb new mountains. Read 20 books.  Write a story again—it’s been almost 2 years. I see that as probably one of the more difficult ones, actually. Visit 10 places I’ve never been. Stay vegetarian, even though our wedding venue has the most amazing prime rib—can one day be forgiven? Oh yeah, get married. That’s on there, too. Positivity, forgiveness, calmness. An improved mental game. There’s more, but I won’t bog this post down with each of them.

So, 2016. Welcome.

You’ve got some pretty big shoes to fill.

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7 thoughts on “A year of trees”

  1. “Other times it’s changing a job, moving unexpectedly, and living in uncertainty without fear.” *
    Yeah. Living in uncertainty without fear; that’s what it comes down to.

    Wow, Meg. An very moving piece. You made me laugh (pushups, pfft) and you gut-punched me, more once. And the depth of these observations makes me want to talk to you… more, right now. I want to hear what else you think about.

    Don’t tell me you haven’t written fiction in two years. Don’t make me cry. Change that. Start by redefining what you think of as fiction. Your blog is so compelling; it has a living, beating pulse and fiction is just one click over from there.

    * DF Wallace said something that rings the same bell for me: “True heroism is minutes, hours, weeks, year upon year of the quiet, precise, judicious exercise of probity and care–with no one there to see or cheer.”

    1. Can’t thank you enough for this. Let’s catch up tomorrow, though it likely won’t be enough time (or the right setting).
      Planning on writing fiction again soon– very soon, promise. Have made some starts but they always seem to crash quite spectacularly to the ground not long after takeoff.

      Ps, Love that quote. Really must save it to reflect on in the future.

  2. i love how your so open! great post 🙂

    This year i have have made a joint resolution and bucket list, there are some silly ones like re-watch all my childhood favorite Disney movies ( inspired by my mum getting me the Disney album) but the main resolution is finding and being me… I am one of those people who care about what they wear, not in a girly fashion way, more like that i think it represents me. For instance when i went through my tom-boy stage i dress really scruffy (not being sexist) and i really thought about. Any way at the moment i am stuck between to styles: Modern Tumblr Gym gear style (workout leggings, in-trend trainers an a messy bun). My other style is country, baggy, wax jacket style ( over-sized wax jacket, over-sized knit jumper, black jeans and half-up-half-down bun) This year i really want to find my self!

    I also have surceased in agility with charlie, i’m hoping to get him up a few grades ( this is his first year at opens :/ !!!! ) we have 3 shows lined up ( we live on an island wheres there’s only two open show and it’s very pricey to go across just to compete ) hes just mastered 6 weaves but i need to work on speed!

    Sorry for such a long comment with no question for you to answer but I’m still convincing myself to start a blog but I don’t really know who would read it :/ I would like to do Dogs + Inspiration ( I.E: finding yourself …) + bits about me (beauty/ lifestyle).

    Thank you very much your such an inspiration! I’m looking forward to more posts in 2016!

    xoxoxoxoxo

    1. Thank you for reading and for your thoughtful post! Don’t apologize, I enjoyed it! (and I think you should start blogging, but more on that below).

      I like the idea of finding yourself, or at least trying to. I have to say that this year was one of the first years I felt like I found myself again. When I was younger I had a better grasp on who I was (or thought I was) and a lot of it depended on my style too, like you say. Then things got a little muddied and I lost myself for a bit. I would say that writing this blog has helped me define myself which is why I would advocate for you writing one. Even if you don’t share it on social media, or even if you don’t actually publish the posts, it helps to write them. When I started this blog I was sure no one would read it– or if they did it would only be people I knew to be nice. Instead I’ve found an entirely new reach of people and friends that wouldn’t have been possible without it. It’s been an absolute joy to hear from those who read and relate to what I write. As for your style, I say combine them! Being you could mean a little touch of it all.

      I hope you find agility success this year as well! It must be tough having less access to shows. I have training plans on my resolutions this year. I like to go back to the basics every now and again too.

      If you do end up making that blog, link me!

      Meg

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